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Post by davekersey on Jun 5, 2014 17:29:57 GMT -5
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing . Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
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Post by bluejay51 on Jun 5, 2014 20:13:19 GMT -5
I came across this one the other day and thought it was cute.
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely and moping around. God came to Adam and asked him "What is the matter with you today Adam?" Adam replied, "I don't have anyone to talk to." So God said, "I have been thinking of creating a perfect companion for you. This companion will be different than man, so I will create it to be a woman. This person will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will be the first to admit she is wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it." Adam said, "Wow, that sounds great, so what would something like that cost a guy like me?" God replied, "That model will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thought about it for a while and asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And the rest is history.......
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Post by patrickw on Jun 6, 2014 9:44:25 GMT -5
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she can fit into your wife's clothes!
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Post by davekersey on Jun 7, 2014 4:52:50 GMT -5
Two drunks sitting at the bar.
"Hey, you been gettin' any on the side?"
"Hell, I didn't even know they moved it."
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Post by clutchcargo on Jun 10, 2014 14:40:48 GMT -5
Two lawyers are walking down the street and a beautiful woman walks past them. The first lawyer says "I sure would love to screw that one." The second lawyer replies "Out of what?"
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jp4uk
Sophomore
Posts: 190
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Post by jp4uk on Jun 10, 2014 20:54:47 GMT -5
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
"A magic potion" she replies.
"Well what is it for?" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.
After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."
"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."
"And you call that not bad?"
"Not for a priest with a small parish."
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jp4uk
Sophomore
Posts: 190
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Post by jp4uk on Jun 20, 2014 15:22:33 GMT -5
Medical school exam
When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:
"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.
The rest are in Congress.
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Post by headcase4uk on Nov 22, 2014 13:41:01 GMT -5
What did the newest member of the flamingo synchronized masturbation team say to his teammates when his mistake caused things to go awry?
Guys I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot!
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Post by uwildofcatsk on May 16, 2015 15:18:02 GMT -5
There's a truck driver goin down the road carrying a parrot in the cab with him. He comes along a young pretty hitchhiker and gives her a ride. As they get down the road he tells the girl how lonely it is out on the road and was wondering if she could help him out. The girl asks him what he means, and he tells her he needs some sex. The girl refuses and the trucker tells her to "put out or get out". She again refuses so he pulls over and she gets out. His parrot then begins to laugh and cackle "put out or get out... put out or get out". The angry truck driver tells the bird to shut it. They continue down the road when they come upon another girl hitchhiking. The same thing plays out. "Put out or get out!" Once again the girl exits the truck. The parrot cackles even harder "put out or get out.... put out or get out". The driver is furious and threatens to throw the parrot in the back if he doesn't shut up. Things quiet back down and they continue down the road. They happen upon another young lady and the situation plays out one more time. "Put out or get out". The bird is hysterical and cackles louder than ever "PUT OUT OR GET OUT.... PUT OUT OR GET OUT...PUT OUT OR GET OUT...hahahaha". The furious driver true to his word grabs the parrot by the neck and chucks him in the back of the rig. "No more stupid hitchhiking women for me" he thinks to himself.... and that stupid parrot can rot in the back for all I care. He continues down the road enjoying some music while he calms down, until he sees the red and blue lights of a cop car signaling him to pull over. Very confused the driver pulls over and waits for the officer. The officer comes up to the cab and asks the driver if he knows why he pulled him over. The driver tells him he is unsure. He didn't think he was speeding and his rig was in very good condition. He had no idea. The officer asks him to step out and motions him to the rear of the truck. When they reach the back of the truck, the parrot is sitting on the end of the trailer cawing "put out or get out... put out or get out" as he kicks all the chickens out the back.
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Post by jakuka on Aug 22, 2018 11:40:43 GMT -5
Gonna bump this thread. This one's for 4bar....not the same place here without him. (click to enlarge)
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